You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
