You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
