You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
