She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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