You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
