My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
