he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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