yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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