What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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