I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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