Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
