I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
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Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
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