You can't special order awesome
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Randomize
