literally had 100 drinks last night.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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