so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
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At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
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I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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