I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
