I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
