It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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