this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
