I wish my penis had an off switch
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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