Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
