You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
