the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
