ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
