Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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