shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
