i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
