the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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