I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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