All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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