Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
