ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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