she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
