Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
