I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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