drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
