What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.