I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
