The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
