They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
My liver just had a heart attack.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize