He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
