Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
