i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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