Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize