Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
