Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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