On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Randomize
