I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
