I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
