i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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