Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
