I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
where are you?
Hypothermia
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
