did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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