Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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