Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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