I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
