You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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