I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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