Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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