Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
