I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
